Ok, so I turn 29 in two days... it might as well be 40 for the shame I feel for lack of accomplishments I've made. No house, no wife, no kids .. job that pays, but nothing worth bragging about. Working to resolve the house issue though. Drove by a few prospects, yesterday evening.
Well, as I try to cover up the fact that I just want to hide myself away from everyone and everything to spend some quality alone time trying to convince myself that I'm not a complete loss, I think it leaves me in a state of mind that isn't too talkative, which I'm afraid reveals more that I care for it to.
I feel like I've become as technically aware as I am capable and I now spend time trying to shift what I know to better areas of interest knowing that I'm going to forget plenty from other areas as I do it. But its just not possible to know everything I want to know as in-depth as I'd like to. Maybe some day I'll figure out how to work some courses into my schedule and nail down some Cisco certifications and actually have some accreditations to show for myself. But, the question lingers, assuming I did such a thing, would I really feel any better? Can school, job, money, etc make up for the obvious lack of social and significant relationships? I suppose I am wrong for even comparing the sets, but I feel I need to prove I have some value to those around me when I am the last of several children to find a companion in marriage. And why do I have such a hard time with finding someone? That is rhetorical by the way. I feel like I should skip asking girls out on dates (not that I ever do that) and just skip straight to asking them bluntly if they want to marry me. Then if the odds are what others suggest to me they are, eventually one of them should say yes. And that would spare me having to deal with the amounts of rejection I fear. But let me elaborate on that a little in case you didn't follow me. Rejection from asking a girl to marry you, when you don't know her is actually less than that of asking them on a date. Because not wanting to marry you is far more understandable than them not even giving you a chance at all by declining a date. I know it has a darkly sinister touch to it, but at my age you have to for-go some of the traditional formalities.
Meanwhile, oddly enough while out performing service on the Daily Herald kiosk in University Mall, I saw and talked with Amy for a few. I really don't know what it is in particular about her that draws me in so much. Despite my attempts not to, I simply adore her. There is no escape from it. All of her mannerisms, and especially her eyes tell volumes more about her than just listening to her speak, which I also adore about her. I wonder if she thinks she is boring me or that all her conversation is lost on me because of I might appear to have a lack of interest. But really I just don't want to interrupt her and I sort of daze off listening to her, not to the point of not paying attention mind you, just something more like enchanted.
Thursday, June 23, 2005
ok, so I'm not very good at keeping this thing updated. I am going to try to do better though (yeah, I know I've said that before) as Batman Begins liked to keep saying "blah blah something about falling .. blah blah get back up" .. I suppose I should have paid more attention.