Monday, October 17, 2005

I feel better

Effective Oct. 1st I got a raise, which I have partially seen now since payday this Friday had 40 hours at my original rate and 40 hours at the new rate. It didn't increase my paycheck size quite as much as I was thinking, but I never really worked the math out. I am very happy about my salary now and feel very comfortable with this career. I used to think that this could only be a short term gig until something better opened up, but now I have a new mind set about my employment. I think I am going to be happy here for a few years, I am committed to this career more so than before. I can finally settle down and make the best of things for the long haul.

I am quite possibly looking at buying a house in the next few months and only one thing could please me more (girlfriend), but since I don't have the kind of money to command the attention of the types of girls that date a guy just for his money I get to enjoy what I can afford, a house. If I buy a house, it will be this renovated project my parents have bought and are working on. This presents me a few opportunities primarily, picking colors for new carpets, countertops and such things, and also a chance to get in while things are a mess and do some wiring. As soon as I can I'll be pulling in some CAT5E at the least and hopefully with it some coax for tv/video. Being a technology focused valley I'm sure that when I decide to resell the house that it will help the value, and I love the idea of having internet access throughout the house for my own purposes. Other manual labor I'm sure to be involved in will be replacing baseboards and painting, but tomorrow I have taken some time off to finish the tile in the kitchen to prepare for the new cabinets, so that the countertop folk can get some measurements. I can't wait to see the new kitchen with the countertops in, I'm so excited about it. Oh an the garage, which I think has been settled upon as a doable option. Building out the current carport into a garage is going to be the next exciting thing I hope to see and work on.

Well, I've got about 8 hours now to try and get some sleep before the tile work gets going again and when it's done I had better get into work and try and make up the hours I took off to work on the tile.

Good night.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Hello ..

I'm not sure why I'm even writing to this thing tonight. No one reads this crap. And if you do .. I certainly didn't notice, heh. Anyway .. not much to say .. feeling a bit strange. It's hard to explain but I think what best sums it up that I feel like I have reached my peak. I have so many more aspirations and goals .. things to learn and accomplish but I just can't seem to manage to keep it all straight in my head anymore. I think I feel my brain actually forgetting things and it's forgetting at a faster rate than I can seem to keep it full of with new info. It's a rather distressing feeling not only because I feel like I'm not making much progress but worse, like I might actually be declining. And thats on the only fronteir that I feel like amounts to any real worth in my life. If I lost my ability to be a tech geek, and still had no social life, and no girlfriend. Wow, thats just not a path to even consider thinking about .. its all bad news.

I am a tool. Just not a very good one.

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

T minus 2 days and counting...

Ok, so I turn 29 in two days... it might as well be 40 for the shame I feel for lack of accomplishments I've made. No house, no wife, no kids .. job that pays, but nothing worth bragging about. Working to resolve the house issue though. Drove by a few prospects, yesterday evening.

Well, as I try to cover up the fact that I just want to hide myself away from everyone and everything to spend some quality alone time trying to convince myself that I'm not a complete loss, I think it leaves me in a state of mind that isn't too talkative, which I'm afraid reveals more that I care for it to.

I feel like I've become as technically aware as I am capable and I now spend time trying to shift what I know to better areas of interest knowing that I'm going to forget plenty from other areas as I do it. But its just not possible to know everything I want to know as in-depth as I'd like to. Maybe some day I'll figure out how to work some courses into my schedule and nail down some Cisco certifications and actually have some accreditations to show for myself. But, the question lingers, assuming I did such a thing, would I really feel any better? Can school, job, money, etc make up for the obvious lack of social and significant relationships? I suppose I am wrong for even comparing the sets, but I feel I need to prove I have some value to those around me when I am the last of several children to find a companion in marriage. And why do I have such a hard time with finding someone? That is rhetorical by the way. I feel like I should skip asking girls out on dates (not that I ever do that) and just skip straight to asking them bluntly if they want to marry me. Then if the odds are what others suggest to me they are, eventually one of them should say yes. And that would spare me having to deal with the amounts of rejection I fear. But let me elaborate on that a little in case you didn't follow me. Rejection from asking a girl to marry you, when you don't know her is actually less than that of asking them on a date. Because not wanting to marry you is far more understandable than them not even giving you a chance at all by declining a date. I know it has a darkly sinister touch to it, but at my age you have to for-go some of the traditional formalities.

Meanwhile, oddly enough while out performing service on the Daily Herald kiosk in University Mall, I saw and talked with Amy for a few. I really don't know what it is in particular about her that draws me in so much. Despite my attempts not to, I simply adore her. There is no escape from it. All of her mannerisms, and especially her eyes tell volumes more about her than just listening to her speak, which I also adore about her. I wonder if she thinks she is boring me or that all her conversation is lost on me because of I might appear to have a lack of interest. But really I just don't want to interrupt her and I sort of daze off listening to her, not to the point of not paying attention mind you, just something more like enchanted.

Thursday, June 23, 2005

wow .. over 6 months since I last said hi

ok, so I'm not very good at keeping this thing updated. I am going to try to do better though (yeah, I know I've said that before) as Batman Begins liked to keep saying "blah blah something about falling .. blah blah get back up" .. I suppose I should have paid more attention.

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

omg hi2u ltns

hi. how you been? me? oh I'm ok, thanks. Nothing all that new to report, although I suppose I should throw down some notes since it's been a few months.

Was good this year, with the help of my sister Chantel we managed to play Santa's Elves to all my brothers and sisters. I wish I could have done more to show her how much I appreciated her help in the endeavor, but I'll just have to do it little by little throughout the year. I have high hopes for Brad to fall in love with the guitar again and pursue that talent of his. I'm admittedly jealous that he is so creative and capable, artistically, musically and just in general. On an interesting note, three of us managed to exchange each other digital cameras this year. My family went all out and got me the Canon PowerShot S70 I had been drooling over (only openly because I figured they'd never try for something so expensive.) Much love to the family for that one too.

New Year:
Ok, so I could have gone to any number of events and parties or even hang out with the family, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I felt too unstable to concentrate on the thought of a new year being upon us already and what I have to show for it and what I honestly think the new year holds in store. I don't want to think about it. I'll just hide away and let the time pass and pray that sooner than later I figure out how to be happy alone.

Home is still with my parents, but I'm hoping still to migrate to Dan & Chantel's basement as soon as it gets finished. Which requires it being started. I'm expecting to contribute any way I can to assist getting it done as soon as possible.

It's great, and my solace. It's where I live and breathe and play. I escape my fears and hold onto some sense of self. I also should be seeing my raise starting this year, which will be a very welcomed addition.

Tough subject... I wish I knew. I want to be a better person, which I think involves better a better Christian. I'd like to tackle issue that plague my life and be worthy of things that would make me happier. But nonetheless I am not that strong. And now once again I feel that I need to take a step back and try to solidify where I stand. It's not that I don't believe in the gospel or God. I just don't believe in myself.