Sunday, August 15, 2004

Mindless rambling?

I slept in today, missing church .. I could have gotten up, but wasn't feeling all too motivated to do so. By the time I did wake, my older brother was back in town from a vacation of his and the rest of my immediate family were making preparations to 'camp-out' in one of the nearby canyon campgrounds. I hoped to have early Monday plans and declined the campout, but did hang-out with them up the canyon for a few hours. I love the smell of campfire, and the smores even more.

While being around family is nice and all, there was a definite distraction lingering in my mind. The recent return of a girl I dated before she left for 1.5 years ago on an LDS mission. She made it clear before she left that she had nothing more planned, and seemingly desired, for us other than friends (which always leaves the existing friendship in question). However prior to her leaving and for many months after I would have claimed I was in love with her. It's very unsettling to know she is back in town and not know if she would like to see me or if she has any intentions of continuing a friendship. Being a pessimist I suspect that she's hoping that I just leave her alone and let her get on with her life, without me in the picture. But part of me wishes dearly that she'd wrap her arms around me and tell me how she missed me. I have been both anxious and scared of having to face this scenario. Although having 1.5 years to ponder and reach some understanding, I feel completely unprepared. And the emotions I thought I had dealt with now feel like they were just bottled up and are finding their way out. I'm trying not to show how distracted I feel. I've debated contacting her but have yet to do so .. partially in hopes that she'll contact me first. I could do without the awkward discomfort of having to attempt to rebuild and continue a friendship that meant more to me than friendship should, especially if the feelings aren't the same for her.

1 comment:

compugirl said...

That is a totally awkward way to feel, and unfortunate too. I hope that somehow you'll feel better, and come to terms with what to do.